Family

WDRC teaches parents how divorce affects children

Phillip E. Honstein

The Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center helps parents understand the impact of divorce on their children.

"The impact starts when someone emotionally starts to leave the marriage," said Barbara Rofkar at the "Children and Divorce" seminar presented Wednesday, June 9, by the WDRC.

"More and more children are sad, angry, and self-deprecating," she said.

From the outset of the seminar, Rofkar explained that the agenda was to support the development of healthy children. "We are not pro-marriage, we are not pro-divorce. We are pro-children," she said.

According to Rofkar, views about parenting after divorce have changed. "We once thought that one parent was enough," she said. "Now, we know that children want to know both parents."

Rofkar said that three in five children will feel rejected by at least one of their parents, and that single parent homes require more emotional maintenance than two-parent homes.

She described four basic needs of children in order to develop a sense of self esteem: connectedness to people they care about, a knowledge that they are unique, good role models and predictability in their lives.

To clarify the affect of tension on children, Rofkar asked, "Have you ever been close to a fight, but not in the fight, as an adult? What happens to your heart rate, your breathing, your anxiety level?"

Rofkar said that everything a child experiences has the potential to create a lasting impression, especially situations of abuse. "What we are seeing in children is like post-traumatic stress syndrome," she said. Such children are "super-watchful" and have difficulty sleeping.

Rofkar cautioned that families which have experienced abuse "must get help beyond this class. Children respond to this much later; the issues remain in the child," she said.

Rofkar said that even in divorce, it is possible to maintain a healthy environment for children by maintaining love, security, socialization, and a sense of self.

She suggested that parents be together when they discuss the divorce with their children, and that they do so before either parent moves out.

However, she cautioned against giving a child adult responsibilities with statements like, "You are the man of the house now," because such responsibilities inhibit the child's normal development.

Parenting after divorce in Washington state requires a "parenting plan" which specifies the amount of time children will spend with each parent. When designing their parenting plan, Rofkar recommends that parents consider the child's perspective by asking themselves such questions as, "How often would I like to change the bed I sleep in during a week?"

Children must never design parenting plans, she explained, because children should never be put into a situation of "deciding between their parents."

Rofkar also discussed the loss of community which accompanies divorce, increased economic burdens, and ways to avoid involving children in adult conflicts. Approximately 10 adults attended the seminar.

WDRC executive director Cate Westphalen said that the classes are attended by the general public, professionals, and "parents at a stage of disagreement."

Parents who are in the process of divorce can attend the seminar to fulfill a court mandate to take a class on coping with family changes.

For information on upcoming "Children and Divorce" seminars or other WDRC services, call 676-0122.

Barbara Rofkar of the Whatcom Dispute Resolution Center presented last Wednesday's "Children and Divorce" seminar. She said that children should never have to choose between their parents.

Published June 1999 in the Record Journal Newspaper.